Last week Monday, I took my car for its service and I ran into a family friend (Uncle Lazarus) and we had a lengthy chat about a lot of things. And in the spirit of this past youth day and father’s day and many other significantly celebrated days, I am taking the time now to reflect.
It took me a while to realise that God, is many things, and understands what it is that we go through as His children. He may not have experienced sin, but He created the grounds for which it was made (free will) and the emotions that come with every reaction to every action. One of the few things that God does as well is to ground you as a person.
Most of you may not know this but I have depression. I will not say I suffer or that it’s a disease I am giving myself because that’s not how I see myself. I see my depression like the flu, it comes and it goes and that’s as much power as it will ever have- that of the common flu. But there are times when this flu gets really bad, so bad that I can’t get out of bed, or eat or function. It gets so bad, I want to do horrible things to myself just to end the state of never ending darkness that I have found myself in. There are of course better days where the flu just gives me a slight fever and I wake up fine the next morning.
Most times I deal with the slight fever, but when things get really bad, I tend to forget what and who I am. I forget the loved ones who support me and I forget to support and love myself. I was taught to find the common factors that trigger these moments but if someone told you to stop eating ice cream because it will give you the flu, would you really stop? I know I wouldn’t. And so I am often stuck with knowing my triggers and doing nothing about them because I have found my dependence on them…
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not something I’m proud of. When I know that a person’s words could send me into a potential abyss, I find myself staying – not because of their role in my life, but because of the moments they make me feel good (and counting those times, really isn’t worth the stay but oh well, I do it anyways). I find myself relying on things to complete me. I forget that like that person, or object, they too were created and therefore are just doing what they do as a creation.
I recently posted on Facebook a list of my fears, none of which were “I think I might not make it to heaven”, which is a legit fear of mine because I find myself deliberately hurting myself with lows whereas the highs aren’t even worth it. Then I look to other creations to fulfil the role of the Creator. I find myself worshipping beings in the hopes that they will complete me, forgetting they too need completing. It isn’t a new thing, everyone at some point I think has done this; expected too much from the wrong source…
It brings me back to the conversation Uncle Lazarus and I had. He told me, we as people have a tendency to step on each other’s heads while going to the top, and when the time comes for us to gently come back down, we fall because nobody is right there to catch us. To me, that extends to God as well. We ask, He gives and in all those times when it’s good, we forget who got us there. We forget our place and give ourselves undue credit. But we aren’t birds. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us wings, so in the true spirit of being human, we must come down. Then we fall because He who got us where we are, was left behind at the beginning of the good times and we just forgot to bring Him along for the bad ones.
I am only now learning who I am as a person and these things take time, so don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t gotten the hang of it all just yet (I do sometimes and it’s not fun). It’s a hard lesson to learn, I fall prey to it all the time. But it is a necessary lesson nonetheless.